Down

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar. My moods are up and down. It's quite ridiculous. I went from feeling happy and warm and fuzzy inside to feeling hopeless and sad. Within a matter if 24 hours. I know part of this is due to my birth control pills. The first week in the pill pack always hits my emotions hard for some reason. At least I recognize  it.  I try to not let my feelings reflect on my family but it's hard sometimes.  

Anyways I'm just bummed and it's all about money.  Not being able to buy presents this year for Christmas. And these stupid bills. And my cabinets keep getting emptier and emptier. And I keep saying Im doing this no spend challenge but in all truthfulness after November nothing is going to have changed. And we still have bills to pay so im not sure how I'm  gonna restock my food supply.  Ugh.  Sorry. Just sitting here on my phone before bed and had to get this out.  I'm not looking for sympathy and I don't mean to be a whiner. It just worries me. And makes me feel like a crap mom. 

Praying things get better !

Kohls and weight issues :(

I had $20 Kohls cash given to me the other day.  It was expiring soon and I wasnt gonna waste it so last night I went into kohls, I also had a $10 off $30 coupon,, so more or less I had a free $30 to use. Very exciting.  I hardly ever buy myself any clothes so I went in with a purpose of buying something for myself.  I really need a new pair of jeans.  I tried on about 5 pairs,, nothing fit right,,, the shirts I tried on that I though might have been to big were to tight :(     All in all it sucked.  I almost cried right there in the dressing room.  I was doing so well with my weight loss I had gotten up to 50 pounds lost and something happened and now I'm only 35 pounds lost,, which means Ive gained 15 pounds,,,, actually Ive gained 3 more and havent logged it into mfp, so 18 in a matter of a couple months...thats not normal.   I have been eating more junk and snacking,,,, I've been depressed about money issues and I'm a emotional eater.  I NEED to get this under control and get back to where I was and lose more.  It depresses me Its like I have to be perfect all the time or the weight just creeps right back on me faster than ever.   Ugh,,, I know I'm whining, but this is a real issue for me.  I need to have this self control over food.  I will get this!!!  I will I will I will I will I will I will
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I did end up getting 2 shirts,, they totaled 50 but with my coupons and kohls cash I only had to pay 20. I used my kohls card.   So Ben says I ruined my no spending challenge.. Whatever..... I"m still doing it,,, necessity......

Sick :(

I think I have a sinus infection. My head hurts so bad, there is so much pressure it feels like its gonna explode!~   So I want to write but it hurts to bad to concentrate. Hopefully I'll  be back soon,  no spending going on though in case you were wondering, although the whole family got into a big argument about it last night :(

I'm Back?

Back to blogging? Maybe,, not making any promises, but its been calling to me lately with tips to share.  Life has been crazy, but really who's isn't.  Everyone has there own issues within there households.  I think everyone struggles.  We just don't always talk about it.  While at the moment some of my life issues are money and raising the kids, others probably have their own set of problems.  I have to remind myself we don't know what goes on behind closed doors and its okay to struggle.  It doesn't make me any less of a woman, wife, or mother.  It makes me human.  And its ok. I know everything will work out. It has to right? 

Home

So we've been home for a few days and obviously I still haven't updated my blog.  I've been trying to catch up on the laundry and the household stuff.  Being away from my house just throws me off.  I feel like I get behind.  Alas I will need to be getting used to it though because with Bens mom moving only 3 hours away instead of across the country we will be taking long weekends out there much more often.  I am happy about it all though.  I can't imagine not seeing my mom for so long and I hope the two(hubby and mom in law) can build there relationship. 
Being away from home not only makes me feel behind on my household duties but apparently in the fitness area also.  While the hotel we stayed in had a workout room and I did use the treadmill 2 of the 3 days we were there(yay) I still ate like crap!  Seriously when we returned home my scale was up 10 pounds!  :(   I thought the next day it would look better....Nope.  2 days later and I'm only down a few ounces.  I have got to get back on the right eating track and keep losing!   I feel awful and like a fat slob and I hate it.   I need to learn to make healthy choices outside the home as well as in.  I can do pretty well when I'm at home but get me out to a restaurant and its a free for all.  Good thing we dont go out to often! 

Hopefully I'll be back with some pictures soon!

Spills and sleepless nights

 Oh today is just not my day.  Last night Emma woke me up at 3am,,I do not know why she does this.  She's been doing it quite often.  She wakes up and runs through the house(sounding quite like a crazed elephant), stomp stomp stomp super fast in a dead run, so I know shes coming before she gets there. She has to come all the way across the house to get to our room.  Does she try to crawl into our bed?  NO.  She knows she not really allowed to do that.  She wakes me up(although shes already awoken me with her stomping run through the house) and says "Mommy, take me back to bed".   Now really, what is the point of that besides to just wake me up?   I know shes only 5, I know she has probably woken up and having trouble getting back to sleep, but all that just to make sleeping me get up and follow her back to her room and tuck her back in and turn on her music box.  This is almost a nightly occurrence.  I guess it wouldnt be such a big deal accept for once I get up and go back to bed I have such a hard time falling back to sleep.  I lay there dog tired but toss and turn and think of things,,things I need to do, things that are emotionally bothering me, last night it took me 2 hours, so from 3-5am I was laying in bed feeling bad cuz I wasnt very nice to her this time when I took her back to bed, thinking about the food I was going to make today to put in the freezer for  quick meals for the kiddos in busy times, thinking about missing my dad, wondering why he doesnt call or come around, thinking I need to be a better mother......seriously people my mind races.   And this normally doesnt happen unless Im woken up by the lovely Emma.  ugh...   Enough of that,, just so you know, I love her to pieces and I'm just venting because I'm tired and dont know what to do to make it better.

So fast forward to 6:30am,, Jess wakes me saying I need to write her a check for a yearbook,,I get up do that, send her off to school, hop in shower to get ready cuz fairly new babysitting girl is coming at 7:15 this morning.  Before I'm even out of the shower Emma is up,  once new girl arrives shes crying and sad,, She doesnt like her mom going to work and is having a hard time with it bless her heart, but it sure makes for a long day.  I hope this wont last long!
I didnt mean for this to be a day in the life post so lets skip forward to around 10am, I start my getting ingredients out for my marathon baking and spill almost a whole container of cocoa powder all over the kitchen floor,,, what a stinking mess!!!  That was not easy to clean up, especially when I have to tell a 1 year old to stay away and out 500 times while Im trying to clean it up and every time I tell him to get out he throws a fit.  (deep breath)  First I get the pancake sausage muffins done, then corn dog muffins, and applesauce bread!  I sure thought it seemed like more than it looks like here

LOL   the hot dogs in the muffins arnt really a surprise are they?

I gave the kids some corn dog muffins for lunch along with some peaches and chex mix,, they really liked them.  Im hoping to put the rest accept for maybe a few cuz I know Gary is super excited to try out those muffins when he gets home from school today, in the freezer.  Soccer season is starting and things are about to get crazy here!
After I got the kids started I got my lunch ready, leftover crock pot fried rice and grilled chicken from last nights dinner.  Ben made sure to save me some so I could have some for lunch.  I was so excited,,, put it in the microwave(which we keep in the laundry room due to lack of space in the kitchen), got it out.  It smelled so good! I was carrying it out to the table and low and behold that bowl slipped right out of my hand and spilled all over the floor!  :(
I was so sad I could have cried.  I didnt even bother cleaning it up, the dog was already there enjoying what I was supposed to be eating... So instead I tried out the corn dog muffins I made and they were really good so I ended up eating 2.  Plus some hummus chips with hummus and raw carrots and grape tomatoes.  Over 500 calorie lunch that was only supposed to be around 300.  
Lets hope the rest of the day looks up,  ,I think we are going to Apple Bees for dinner tonight for a treat so at least I dont have to cook anymore!

And I hope you all dont think I'm a terrible mother now for complaining about Emmas sleeping habits.

Contentment

Contentment.  This is something I have struggled with and worked on my entire life.  As a child it always seems your friends have bigger and better things,, the grass is always greener concept.  Well unfortunately as an adult I still struggle with this.  Lately it has gotten so much better though.  Here's the thing. Most days I am happy.  I am more or less living the life I have always wanted.  I have a husband that loves me, I've got great kids, I am able to be home with them.  There have been quite a few times I have despised my house but I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is where we are meant to be right now.  The payments are right and we can not afford a bigger house payment.  Everyone has there own room,, granted it is only 1000sq feet and there are 5 of us, plus extra littles here through the day but we all fit and its cute and comfortable.  It is our home and will more than likely be our home for quite a while. It could be so much worse.  The main thing I want right now is to get out of debt!!!! I want it so bad! I wish every other thing in life wouldn't keep coming up making it near darn impossible to pay down the credit cards.  All in good time.  If we want something really bad and are willing to work for it we can make it happen eventually right?

The only time I get down about my life is when I'm around other people,, listening to them talk about where they are going or all there grand things,, mostly I'm home though and hardly talk to anyone besides my family. lol   I guess that's something I need to work on.  Jealousy of other people.  I'm sure somewhere out there in the world might be jealous of me.   Like I said my life isn't bad at all!  I'm so lucky to have these great kids and man that would walk to the end of the earth if I asked him to.

What do you do when you feel the jealousy monster creeping in?  Or is it just me that this happens to?

Keeping it Real

In reading through my last few post I notice I sound pretty darn happy. Happy, healthy, fit and active. What a great life I must have. Lol. No really my life is just fine but it is defiantly not all those things. Honestly in the last 4 days I have had two major meltdowns where I was bawling and feeling life life couldn't get much worse. I also get teary eyed quite often during my workouts. Sounds silly doesn't it? I don't know what it is but sometimes it just seems so hard and makes me wonder if I will ever look like what I want to look like. Idk but i keep pushing right through the tears because the only way I will ever find out is if I keep on going.

Ben and I the opposite of a perfect relationship, but we try, we push through all these roadblocks life keeps throwing at us. Some days I wonder why did I ever marry this man, he is so unlike me, but i did marry him and I had 3 kids with him. He provides the best he can for me and them. He tries. He would give me the moon if he was able so I have to keep looking past faults.

My kids, I love them so much. I would die for them. They are great, get great grades, but they arnt perfect either. They are just like any other kid. They are mouthy, tend to not listen. Gary keeps disobeying like crazy! For two years Ive told the kid do not get breakfast at school. I feed him here. I cant afford to buy school breakfasts. He continues to eat breakfast at school every chance he gets. SMH. I don't get it. We punish him. He still does it. I told him dont download anything on the ipod without asking me first. He still downloads stuff. We know cuz whatever he downloads automatically goes to Ben's phone. He knew this. But still did it anyways!!! I just dont get it!
I could go on and on with the woes thats is me, but I wont. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't giving anyone the wrong impression. Actually I dont even know if anyone is reading this!
I just keep going, doing the best I can with what I have. Im reading this book right now. Hoping I can learn a thing or two.

Friday night

Right now I'm sitting on the couch,, snuggling with Miss Emma, watching Beauty and the Beast for the millionth time. :)   Gary is in his room,, Jess is out at a basketball game.   Ben's at work,, Friday nights arnt to exciting around here since he's been on 2nd shift.  Sometimes it gets me down but I know he doesn't have a choice in the matter of working and this is just the way it is.  I'm actually getting quite used to him being gone in the evenings now.  It's hard and a lot of days I feel like a single mom but I know I'm not and I'm thankful he has a job.  I mentioned to him today about me feeling like I have no friends,, he says he should be all I need.   I dont think he gets that sometimes guys just don't get it.  Most of the time when I tell him things I worry about he just tells me not to,, its not my life just don't worry about it(his words).. Its not that easy for me.  Although there is some truth to what he says, I have a caring heart so naturally I think of others and hurt when others are hurting.    I worry about others and I just can't help it.  I wish I could shut it off sometimes.   Oh well...

on a different note,, I've been making blankets for lots of people.  They are the new sew fleece tie blankets and they are so cute and warm!  I've made on for each kid,, myself,, I'm making one for my 2 babysitting kids, and making one for a surprise for Bennie!  When I was buying the fabric I asked him if he wanted one and he said no,, but every since I've been making them he's been stealing mine(which is giraffe print on one side and hot pink on the other. lol),, plus I guess he's said to Jess that he now wishes he would have had me make him one so I went out and bought him some fabric and made him one.. Its wrapped up under the tree, I hope he likes it.. His is camo,,,he will look much better in that one than my pink one. Hahaha

9 more days til Christmas!  I can't wait to see everyones faces when they open there presents!

Where did they all go?

At what point in life do you give up on a friendship???  I used to have friends,, I used to have people who I could talk to about stuff in my life and they would talk to me about stuff in their lives.  Somewhere along the lines those friendships have faded.  I honestly dont' get why but whatever,, I know that with kids life gets crazy and we are all busy.  What bothers me is just being blatantly ignored,, when I do try to make contact with people most don't even respond.   I really think I am a nice person,, easy to talk to,, not quick to judge... I just don't get it!     I dont even have a good relationship with my sisters,,,,  we love each other and talk when we see each other but they dont confide in me.. They don't come to me for advice about anything in their lives,, and I'm the older sister!   It makes me sad because I want a close relationship with them.   I just dont get it.  

I'm just lonely and sad that I dont have anyone anymore.   I have my husband who I cant talk about everything with, and my oldest daughter who I shouldnt' talk about everything with.   :(   I just don't understand where I went wrong and it bums me out.   I know its not normal because I hear about others who have lunch dates, dinner dates,, actually do things with other people.    I sound like a big whiny mess but I just had to get this out its driving me crazy!

2nd shift

ok,, yea so I say I'm gonna start blogging again and then go a week without a update.  LOL  Sorry.   Lots of stuff on my mind, I"m just trying to be mindful of what I put out there, ya know?   I think today I'll talk about a new chapter in our lives that will be starting next week.. Its not one I'm excited about.  Ben(hubby) is getting put on 2nd shift...for him that will mean he leaves the house around 1-1:30pm and returns around 10:30pm.   He's not happy about it at all.  Either are me and the kids,, it wouldn't be so bad if they were all young and not in school but Jess and Gary are at school through the day so he's really not gonna get to see them through the week at all.  He'll be sleeping when they get up for school and then he'll be gone to work when they get home.   Plus he wont be able to go to any after school function, soccer games, he wont be home to eat dinner with us,, to tuck them into bed...the list goes on.   I already have my days where I feel like a single mom,,, now I think I'll really feel like that with him gone every evening.   OH well,, thats life I guess and we must roll with the punches and try to make the best of it.   I know there are people out there right now that would give their right arm to be able to have a job on any shift so I'm trying to think of ourselves as lucky.  Listening to this song and watching this video helps me realize that. 

 So anyways, I've been trying to think of some things to help turn it around into a positive,, here's a couple I've came up with....I think we actually might save some money because I really don't like going out without him so unless its necessary we probably won't be leaving the house in the evenings...staying home equals not spending money.   Also I can fix whatever I want for dinner,, I can do more meatless meals, he gets upset if there isn't a meat with dinner so since he wont be here our meals can be simplified a little bit.  I've even considered dropping our cable since he wont be here in the evening to watch it,, although the kids arnt to thrilled about that idea so I'm not sure about that one.. Those are the couple of things I've come up with so far.  I know I'm gonna really miss him in the evenings though and so are the kids,, Hopefully this will help him spend quality time with them when he can. 

Busy days and other thoughts

 Man, how time flies by,,, seriously everyday I think I will have time to sit down and blog for awhile but my days are consumed with cooking, cleaning, childcare...lots of childcare!  My work is never done,,and thats ok, it sure can be exhausting sometimes though!  

Our weekend went well,, super busy.  Saturday morning the kiddos had a dentist appointment... That went well!  NO cavities,, although the dentist did say that we really need to get the 2 older kids in to see a orthodontist.  I knew this but had been putting it off but now that the dentist has said it I feel like we really need to get started,, I was trying to get a few other things paid off before we have huge ortho bills.  Gary has a tooth that should be through but isnt coming through though, and Jess has teeth coming in in crazy places due to lack of space in her mouth.  So the time is now I guess. 

 After the dentist we went straight over to my moms for my step-dad's birthday party.  That was fun,, he had sat up a 9 hole golf course in the yard and we all did that,, we also did some jump roping,,, hilarious and fun!   Then Sunday the kids and I went with mom and Dave, and Grandma and Grandpa  to Stone Trace,, its a historical site and there is lots of booths set up there and very educational...the kids loved it!  Here is Jess stirring and making apple butter like they did in the old days. 

 Emma getting her face painted

 We didn't go bowling this weekend but I felt like I needed a pic of Gary in here and apparently he sneaked out of all the photos this weekend. :)

Life is hard but good.  I'm so thankful for what we have and have been trying to make the most of it.     I remind myself daily to appreciate what we have and try to not want so much more,, we are so blessed for what we do have!
I'm also working hard to not get upset over Ben(hubby's) crazy work hours, and other commitments he has,, not to get upset over his lack of enthusiasm over what we do have and his constant wanting more and more.  Leaving it in God's hands to help him realize these things.  My constant nagging gets us nowhere but in arguments.   I must go on and try and have a cheerful attitude!

I'm back!

I just couldn't stay away.....  Things are on my mind through the day or the kids do cute little things and I dont have anyone to share with besides the great big web!    So I've decided to start blogging again,, also its so neat to look back through my blog and see pic of the kids or what we were doing on cetatin days... Its like my own personal journal,,accept the whole world can read it. LOL

A lot has changed since Ive blogged last,,, one of my childcare kids left me to go off to full day kindergarden!  She's the one I've has since she was 13 months old,, and she's 6 now!  We miss her and I wonder how she's doing everyday... I also had a new addition to my childcare buissness,,, she is 3 and is fitting right in with the rest of the crew.  The neat thing is she shares the same name as me! :)   I am really enjoying the group of kids I have right now.  Two 3 year olds and a 2 year old,,,along with the 3rd shift girl that I still have.  We are working on our own little "preschool" and trying to learn some new things.  It going good and the kids are having fun!  I just love watching them play,, they are so adorable and creative.  Emma's new thing is singing...she turns everything into a song...I love it!

As the norm around here financial times are tough....I think I've been blogging for around 3 years now and thats been the one constant thing,,,there was a short period of time where we seemed to be doing well but then I had some medical issues and now am having to pay the bills for that and we're very tight again.    When things were going good instead of indulging ourselves and getting some things that we had been wanting for awhile  I guess we should have just banked that money.   Lesson learned!  Now I'm trying to get us back on track again. 

I'm glad to be back,,,just wondering if I have lost all my readers,,, if you do see this give me a shout out so I know who I'm talking to. :)

What I want to be

 

 

What I want to be....

-A patient, kind, loving mother, even in times of stress and chaos.

-A loving wife that's never to tired to pack his lunch, and all those other wifely duties. 

-happy and cheerful, full of energy

-a great cook that can whip up something out of nothing

-an amazing homemaker that has a clean tidy organized home and doesn't get upset or angry when others are constantly making messes

These are just a few things about myself that are bugging me as of lately,  I know I'm not a bad mom or a bad wife,,, but it would be so nice if I could be all of these things all of the time.   I feel like there is not enough of me to go around.  I can concentrate really hard on one or two of these things but when I do that then I seem to fall short on some others.    Why is it so hard for me?  

I really need to get out of this funk I'm in.  Things just keep happening making it hard to see the bright side. 

The blues

I'm feeling so down lately.  I feel like things are spinning out of control.  Nothing major huge has happened its just little things that seem to be piling up and bringing me down.  Issues with money,, its getting very tight, doctor bills are coming in from when I had to have a CT scan a couple months back, bank accounts are lower than they have been in a long long time.  I'm now not able to be so picky about the food I am purchasing due to the fact that I just can not afford to buy what I have been right now.  That makes me feel bad,, it ws easier before when I didnt know all the things that I do now.  Our days are pretty crazy now that its summer and all the kids are home from school,, it can get pretty loud and sometimes I feel like I'm leading a three ring circus most days. LOL,, I love em all though.   I also have been feeling like one of my kids is trying to grow up way to fast,, I decided that I have to lay the law down now and had a discussion with her tonight,, now I'm sure she hates me.  I sometimes wish phones and computers were never invented,, life as far as kids go would be so much easier I think.. We didnt have problems until the cell phone was bought for her and facebook came into play. She doesnt understand why I don't want her to do certain things, she thinks its just me being mean.  I dont' want her to fall down the wrong path, and I'm the one that is supposed to help show her the right way right?  I'm scared if I sit back and dont do anything now what will become later of things.    Being a parent is so hard., I thought it was supposed to get eaiser as they got older. :(  
I'm just so sad,, this all probally sounds like a jumbled mess but I had to just get it out there. 

I'm really hoping for a good week, and hoping that everything works out and that my kids dont hate me for trying to be a good parent.  ugh...

Procrastinating

Do you ever feel like you are being torn in a million different directions?  I've been feeling like that lately.  There is so much I need to be doing right now,,, but here I sit blogging. LOL   I think sometimes people thing that when you don't work outside the home life is so much easier.... It's not!  Especially when you run a business in your home,, and double when that business involves little kids that love to run around and make messes. :)   I love my job and I love the kids that are here, I wouldn't trade it for anything but it comes with lots of work and cleaning because I believe in letting the kids play and not constantly nagging them about not making messes.  What we need to work on is teaching them how to clean up their messes. :)   
I've said before that laundry is my favorite household chore......well its not anymore.  Even though Im constantly doing it it never seems to get done!  Especially when I have a little girl that seems to have accidents every single day during nap time and kids that change their clothes 50 times a day.  OH and the latest thing around here is the little girls have been playing "Florida resort".  Over Christmas break we went to Florida, Emma has not forgotten about it and now every single day she plays Florida and finds a bag and "packs", Packing includes taking all the clothes out of her drawer and shoving them in the bag then toting it around the house getting in the pretend car and driving to Florida.  It is actually very cute and I love seeing them use their imaginations but the dragging the clothes out every single day is getting quite old.  When I try to put the clothes away she screams and tells me thats her Florida clothes. 
We are actually leaving for Tennessee next Friday for a little vacation so I have a feeling Florida resort will turn into Tennessee cabin after we get back. :)  I've got lots of work to do before we leave for TN,, I haven't even started thinking about packing yet and then theres getting the house all sparkly before we leave,, I like to come back to a clean house after time away. When we get back the kids will only have one week of school left then they will be on summer break!  Yay for them!   Let the craziness begin. :)  
The other thing I've been struggling with is this food journey I'm on.  I've mentioned before that we are trying to eat healthier and real foods,, not the processed stuff.  We still had some snacky type stuff and the kids have been eating that but now we are pretty much out of it all.  So its up to me to make everything homemade.  That takes a lot more work,, I feel like I spend so much more time now in the kitchen cooking and then cleaning up.  But I guess its worth it for our health.  

Whew,,,, I hope you all don't think this was a big whiny complaining post.   I can honestly say I've been so happy with my life lately.  I feel so blessed with my kids and husband.  He and I have been getting along beautifully lately!  I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day. :)  Now its off to work. 

I'm still alive

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth.  Although there was a point over the past week that I was wishing I had.  I had mentioned in my last post the by back was bothering me, well it got extremely bad.  So bad that I went to a urgent care facility and they sent me over to the hospital to have a Cat Scan done on my lower abdomen.  We were all thinking that I had a cyst on my ovary or something was going wrong in that department due to it happening every month but this time was like no other.  I could barely move.  The scan ended up showing no abnormalities so the doc said it must just be a issue with my back.  For over a week I was in extreme pain, worse than anything I had felt before, finally now its slowly starting to get back to normal.  The pain is still there a little but its much better today.  Thats why I wasnt posting, I couldnt hardly sit up long enough to type out a post.   It all still leaves me wondering though if it isnt something more than just a back issue, especially since it happens monthly.  I am just praying that it doesnt happen like this again next month.  I have a appt at the gyno next Tuesday morning so we will see what they say.

Anyways things have been kinda rough here, mainly due to that.  My husband has a weird reaction to when people get sick or are in pain.  He has no sympathy and almost gets mad.  He barely talked to me over the last week.  Its been hard, but hopefully things will start improving now that I'm on the mend.  My oldest, Jess, was a big help but besides that I was pretty much on my own around here. 

I've had a lot more on my mind but I think thats all for today. I mainly just wanted to let everyone know what was going on......soccer season has begun for the kiddos.  Lifes gonna be getting busy!

Quick thoughts

It's getting late and I'm tired.  I'm sitting here waiting for my 3rd shift child care kid to come so I can head to bed.  I'm feeling very grumpy tonight,, I dont like feeling this way.  My lower back is KILLING me.  This has been happening to me every month.  The pain is darn near unbearable.  I'm thinking it has something to do with my monthly cycle because it happens every single month.  It's not cramps, its all in my back but it seems to happen a week or two before my period starts.  Not sure why.  It makes doing almost everything painful and hard.   My laundry is piling up something fierce,, I've  been doing some just havent taken the time to fold or put away.  I have to get on top of that tomorrow. 

Another reason I'm so aggravated is the last 3 weeks my grocery bill has been outrageous!  Since I started weight watchers I've been buying different kinds of foods.  My bill has been crazy.  I've been thinking a lot and I dont wanna buy fat free everything,,, I wanna still be able to make food from scratch, and eat whole healthy natural food.  Not buy processed stuff because its easier to count the points that way.   Ugh,,,, It is working, but I think I could still continue to loose weight buy watching my portions and eating healthy.  I'm paid up for 3 months before I have to renew my subscription again.  I might not do it.  

We have been very loose lately with our spending also.  We have made a lot of big purchased over the past few months..And while we did pay cash and didnt use credit to buy any of it I think its time to buckle down again and really watch  where our money is going.  We have a fun thing planned for Memorial Day weekend and I wanna make sure we have plenty of cash for that and yet still have money in the bank when we come home.  

Well she's here now, so I"m off to brush my teeth, let the doggie out and head to my awesome bed... Some days I really wish I could just stay in there all day and sleep the day away...haha.

Rainy Tuesday

Today its dark and dreary outside.  Really makes me wanna climb back into my bed and sleep the day away.  HA,, ,yeah right.  Maybe I can do that when I'm 60, have no kids at home and don't babysit anymore. :)   I have a lot on my todo list today so I cant be lazy.  Last week I told you I was working in my kitchen,, decluttering and reorganizing.  I got a good start but didnt finish,  I needed more shelf liner to finish the cupboards.  I got that last night so I will try to finish the cupboards today and then I need to wash the walls to finish up the spring cleaning in that room.  I will attempt to post some pics as requested, but let me warn you, My kitchen is nothing special! Rather boring if you ask me.  I am promising myself that we will get it repainted before the summer is over,,, I'd like to do it before May actually so when Ben's mom comes out it will be completed.  I'm so excited to do it, I've had the color I want in my head forever!

Also today I am plugging away on laundry, somehow I've fallen behind a little.  I want to get all the bed sheets changed and remade too.  That can become a big job with 5 beds to do.  I wish it was sunny so I could hang them outside to dry but its supposed to be rainy for the rest of the week and I dont wanna wait that long. 

On a totally different note,  last night I was in town with my oldest doing some grocery shopping and she told me about this pair of shoes she REALLY  wants.  She had a sales flier in the car with her and showed them to me,,,, One Hundred Dollars!!!!!!!!!!!   I laughed and said yeah right,, you know I will not pay that much for a pair of shoes.. Then she informed me how EVERYONE in her school has them(sure).  And how totally amazing they are.  Thats when I started feeling bad,,,then she said,,, " yeah, you'll probably get them for me when they are marked down to clearance for 20 dollars like 2 years from now and they arn't cool anymore".  :(  That made me feel really bad.  I think life would be so much easier if I homeschooled and the kids didnt watch t.v., then they wouldnt even know about these types of fad things.    I would love to be able to just go out and buy everything my kids wanted but what would that teach them?    

The other thing is, we are doing ok with money right now, so its not like I don't have the money for them.  I just can not bring myself to buy a pair of shoes for that amount of money,, especially for a kid that will probably grow out of them in a years time.  I told her she could buy them herself with her own money.  She will be getting some soon from her report card.   I just have this guilt inside me.  Am I a bad mom for not getting them for her when I have the funds to do so?   Ugh.....   

Do you guys spend that kind of money on things like that for your kids?

Just being me...

I've had a realization over the last few weeks.  I think I've spent my entire life trying to imitate others lives.  This has happened especially since I've discovered the blogging community.  I read other blogs and try to be like them.  I ask questions when a lot of the time I already know the answer, but I think they must have a better way and if their way is different and I try to do it that way and it doesnt work I feel like I've failed.    I love reading blogs and will probably never stop but I need ot read them for ideas.  Then take those ideas and make them work for me and my family/situation.  No two families are exactly alike,, we all have different amount of kids, ages of kids, different seasons of life, different budgets.  What works for one might not work for the other,, but I also think its great to explore different ways of doing things and turn that into what works best for me.  I have learned so much over the Internet.  There is such a wealth of knowledge out there!  I didnt even know that homemade laundry detergent existed before, plus I've learned so many ways to cut back and be frugal, make new things in the kitchen and out. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is read, learn and explore, and then take the ideas and make them work for you.  Don't ever feel bad for not being able to do things exactly like someone else.  Enjoy  YOUR life, and YOUR  family and do whats best for YOUR situation.     Love and hugs to all you mamas out there, remember all over this world there are people like us struggling with a lot of the same things that you are going through.