Keeping it Real

In reading through my last few post I notice I sound pretty darn happy. Happy, healthy, fit and active. What a great life I must have. Lol. No really my life is just fine but it is defiantly not all those things. Honestly in the last 4 days I have had two major meltdowns where I was bawling and feeling life life couldn't get much worse. I also get teary eyed quite often during my workouts. Sounds silly doesn't it? I don't know what it is but sometimes it just seems so hard and makes me wonder if I will ever look like what I want to look like. Idk but i keep pushing right through the tears because the only way I will ever find out is if I keep on going.

Ben and I the opposite of a perfect relationship, but we try, we push through all these roadblocks life keeps throwing at us. Some days I wonder why did I ever marry this man, he is so unlike me, but i did marry him and I had 3 kids with him. He provides the best he can for me and them. He tries. He would give me the moon if he was able so I have to keep looking past faults.

My kids, I love them so much. I would die for them. They are great, get great grades, but they arnt perfect either. They are just like any other kid. They are mouthy, tend to not listen. Gary keeps disobeying like crazy! For two years Ive told the kid do not get breakfast at school. I feed him here. I cant afford to buy school breakfasts. He continues to eat breakfast at school every chance he gets. SMH. I don't get it. We punish him. He still does it. I told him dont download anything on the ipod without asking me first. He still downloads stuff. We know cuz whatever he downloads automatically goes to Ben's phone. He knew this. But still did it anyways!!! I just dont get it!
I could go on and on with the woes thats is me, but I wont. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't giving anyone the wrong impression. Actually I dont even know if anyone is reading this!
I just keep going, doing the best I can with what I have. Im reading this book right now. Hoping I can learn a thing or two.

Almost a year

Holy Moly its been a long time!!  Almost a year since I have blogged!!  Life...it has been busy, crazy, good, bad, and everything in between.  So much has happened in the last year, so many plans, things I thought were going to happen, and yet here we are, right where I left a year ago.  Everything is pretty much the same, accept for the fact that I am now almost 50 pounds lighter!  That's a good thing. I still have more to go and its been a real struggle lately.  I fight with my inner self constantly,, what to eat, when to exercise.  See I know the answer to all of this, its just mind of matter and its also a fact of me not wanting to be so obsessed with everything I put into my mouth.  I want there to be a happy medium.  I want to be able to eat healthy but still let myself enjoy some of the bad for me stuff also.  Its a happy balance and I'm trying to find it.   The exercise things is just me needing to do it, stick with it and get it done.. When I don't exercise its just my pure laziness.  I'm working on that.  Anyways, as far as blogging I'm just gonna start again and take up where I left off.  Its a good release for my mind and I kind of miss the outside communication with the world. :)

Procrastinating

Do you ever feel like you are being torn in a million different directions?  I've been feeling like that lately.  There is so much I need to be doing right now,,, but here I sit blogging. LOL   I think sometimes people thing that when you don't work outside the home life is so much easier.... It's not!  Especially when you run a business in your home,, and double when that business involves little kids that love to run around and make messes. :)   I love my job and I love the kids that are here, I wouldn't trade it for anything but it comes with lots of work and cleaning because I believe in letting the kids play and not constantly nagging them about not making messes.  What we need to work on is teaching them how to clean up their messes. :)   
I've said before that laundry is my favorite household chore......well its not anymore.  Even though Im constantly doing it it never seems to get done!  Especially when I have a little girl that seems to have accidents every single day during nap time and kids that change their clothes 50 times a day.  OH and the latest thing around here is the little girls have been playing "Florida resort".  Over Christmas break we went to Florida, Emma has not forgotten about it and now every single day she plays Florida and finds a bag and "packs", Packing includes taking all the clothes out of her drawer and shoving them in the bag then toting it around the house getting in the pretend car and driving to Florida.  It is actually very cute and I love seeing them use their imaginations but the dragging the clothes out every single day is getting quite old.  When I try to put the clothes away she screams and tells me thats her Florida clothes. 
We are actually leaving for Tennessee next Friday for a little vacation so I have a feeling Florida resort will turn into Tennessee cabin after we get back. :)  I've got lots of work to do before we leave for TN,, I haven't even started thinking about packing yet and then theres getting the house all sparkly before we leave,, I like to come back to a clean house after time away. When we get back the kids will only have one week of school left then they will be on summer break!  Yay for them!   Let the craziness begin. :)  
The other thing I've been struggling with is this food journey I'm on.  I've mentioned before that we are trying to eat healthier and real foods,, not the processed stuff.  We still had some snacky type stuff and the kids have been eating that but now we are pretty much out of it all.  So its up to me to make everything homemade.  That takes a lot more work,, I feel like I spend so much more time now in the kitchen cooking and then cleaning up.  But I guess its worth it for our health.  

Whew,,,, I hope you all don't think this was a big whiny complaining post.   I can honestly say I've been so happy with my life lately.  I feel so blessed with my kids and husband.  He and I have been getting along beautifully lately!  I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day. :)  Now its off to work. 

Quick thoughts

It's getting late and I'm tired.  I'm sitting here waiting for my 3rd shift child care kid to come so I can head to bed.  I'm feeling very grumpy tonight,, I dont like feeling this way.  My lower back is KILLING me.  This has been happening to me every month.  The pain is darn near unbearable.  I'm thinking it has something to do with my monthly cycle because it happens every single month.  It's not cramps, its all in my back but it seems to happen a week or two before my period starts.  Not sure why.  It makes doing almost everything painful and hard.   My laundry is piling up something fierce,, I've  been doing some just havent taken the time to fold or put away.  I have to get on top of that tomorrow. 

Another reason I'm so aggravated is the last 3 weeks my grocery bill has been outrageous!  Since I started weight watchers I've been buying different kinds of foods.  My bill has been crazy.  I've been thinking a lot and I dont wanna buy fat free everything,,, I wanna still be able to make food from scratch, and eat whole healthy natural food.  Not buy processed stuff because its easier to count the points that way.   Ugh,,,, It is working, but I think I could still continue to loose weight buy watching my portions and eating healthy.  I'm paid up for 3 months before I have to renew my subscription again.  I might not do it.  

We have been very loose lately with our spending also.  We have made a lot of big purchased over the past few months..And while we did pay cash and didnt use credit to buy any of it I think its time to buckle down again and really watch  where our money is going.  We have a fun thing planned for Memorial Day weekend and I wanna make sure we have plenty of cash for that and yet still have money in the bank when we come home.  

Well she's here now, so I"m off to brush my teeth, let the doggie out and head to my awesome bed... Some days I really wish I could just stay in there all day and sleep the day away...haha.

Random thoughts

-Im so glad its Friday, normally Im full of energy on Fridays but today I'm dragging and have a massive headache.

-Tonight were going to my sisters 26th b-day party at my mom's house and tomorrow morning I'm going to a 31 party with my mom. (never been to one and not quite sure what to expect).

-This morning I watched my neighbors kids for a few hours.  It was fun but I was reminded that having a 1 yr old, 2 yr old, two 3 yr olds, and a  5 yr old is a LOT of work.  There wasnt much sitting down for me here this morning.

-Next week is spring break for the kiddos which means it will be full and crazy around here....really hoping for some nice weather!

-I think I hear Emma messing around in her bedroom right now, this will be the 3rd day in a row that she has not went to sleep during nap time. 

-Today's April Fools day, Ben texted me this morning and told me he had to work tonight( this was supposed to be his first Friday night off in a month),,,,I was to smart for that though and told him I knew it was April fools!

-I got my hair cut last night,  No I dont look like Kesha but I am seriously thinking of going in Sunday and getting something the lady said was called focused foil highlights so the top of my hair will be blonde.  Then I can be the rock star mom that Jess wants me to be. :)

-Jess fully admits to me that all her friends and she thinks I'm totally awesome!  I love that!  But as she is getting older I know there will be a fine line that cant be crossed when it comes to being a friend/mom to her.  I still want to be able to talk openly with her about things but hope she will react well when she tells me something that I dont agree with and I have to tell her no or something to that extent.

-I'm hoping for another fun filled weekend with the family!   I've also been thinking its about time me and hubby had a night out soon.

Have a great weekend all!

Hairstyle rambles

The sun is shining outside!  Its only 44 degrees but it look beautiful out there!  The brightness always puts me in a better mood.  Jess has been begging me to take her and get her hair cut and I need one too so I think maybe tonight well head out and get it done.  I'm thinking for me I'm gonna try and get a style like the one in the Ke$ha tick tock video.  I know, I know, I'm not a young and crazy pop star,,and look nothing like her, but I think I've got the naturally wavy hair to pull it off.  I need something that's gonna be easy and I will like cause I put my hair in a messy pony tail like every single day!  I dont wanna do that,, this style looks naturally messy so maybe I could pull it off. :)   Now,, maybe I'll go blonde too.  hahaha....  I used to be a blonde,, naturally.  Something happened as I got older and it seems to darken every single day!  I hate it....I guess I should be grateful that at least there isnt any grey yet!   

Tomorrow is weigh in day!  I'm doing fairly well here lately so I think it should be a loss.  I'm so ready for it to get warm so I can get out for walks around the neighborhood.     Well thats it for today.  Tomorrows Friday!  Woo HOO